Legolas, prince of Mirkwood

Attack of the Cows: Part Two

2006-08-26T19:11:00.000-07:00

We join our hero, Pippin, in Minas Tirith, which has been wheeled into a giant warehouse.

Suddenly, over a loudspeaker, the cow king speaks to the surviving defenders of Gondor:

"Attention K-mart shoppers, frisbees are on sale in the sporting goods section for only $1.99. Now kill the remaining humans in this pitiful city."

The Cows began rushing upward to finish off our hero and his companions. Like Boromir.

Yes, Boromir. And Robin Williams.
Then, just as death for Pippin and Boromir and Robin and that butterfly was imminent, a miracle came down from the heavens, and a voice said from above: "Gold leader standing by. Lock s-foils in attack position."
Rebel X-wings clashed with the cow minions as they emerged in an epic battle. The cows were no match for these rebel starfighters. But then, just as the tide of the battle was turning, the cow king, the most powerful and evil of all cows, came out to reinforce his soldiers.
From his massive hooves he shot flaming projectiles that were quite capable of destroying an X-wing.

The battle was going ill for our heros when the ground started to shake. A hole formed in the ground right out side of Minas Tirith. Out from the hole came a massive horde of....

TO BE CONTINUED........

Otters

2006-08-19T09:32:00.000-07:00

Otters aren't just awesome, they're ottsome.

Attack of the cows

2006-08-05T01:00:00.000-07:00

The cows are attacking!!! The cows are attacking!!! They've been breeding an army-
-and now they're attacking Minas Tirith!
Yes, Gandalf run!!! Even you are no match for these hell bovines!!! And then, uh...hmm...next a, uh...oh I know! Next an epic battle begins when the brave soldiers of Gondor rush to defend their home!

(those aren't orcs-they're really cows) As the battle progresses, Gondor's feeble army is forced to retreat to the higher levels of the city. Now in control of the lower city, the cows start to put Minas Tirith on a big giant cart and wheeling it to....a giant warehouse!!!!

And it is there waiting for them that lurks....wait, there..waiting...does that sentence make any sense? Speaking of which, does any of this? Anyway in the warehouse is....the evil cow king!!!!!!!! Willour hero make it out...wait, I never established a main character, did I? Well, it was, uh, Pippin. Will he make it out alive? Find out next week! Or whenever I feel like making the next post.

TO BE CONTINUED.......

2006-07-20T19:29:00.000-07:00

Wow, has it really been almost a month? Well, I got home yesterday from my much needed vacation in Rivendell. Staying with the Elves is nice, but they all talk weird and kind of have that old people smell-oh wait, I'm an Elf! uh, nevermind. But anyway, when I returned home I found that my yard was full of large holes, Sam digging at one of them, and Pippin watching him. Arwen was killing my rake, and Aragorn was reshingling my roof. Faramir was spreading Mayonaise on a tree with a paintbrush. I walked up to Sam and Pip.

"Sam, why are you digging all these holes?" I said.

"So I can plant the seeds to grow by the winter harvest."

"What are you planting, exactly?"

"Dinosaurs."

"Dinosaurs? Ok, I won't even ask. And why are you going to harvest them in winter?" I asked.

"Winter is such lovely bowling season," he said.

"Wha-um, ok...so why havn't you planted any yet?"

"Because they don't grow in the ground they grow in trees."

"Then why do you need to dig the-"

"Sam!!!" said Pippin suddenly. "If you leave all these holes here a turtle might fall in one and get stuck!!! Then the turtles will get angry at me and stop supplying me with gems!!!"

I was utterly confused. "Pippin," said Sam,"The turtles won't fall in these holes because the holes are too big and the turtles will disapprove of them!!!"

At this, I gave up and walked away as they started arguing. Arwen had by this point acquired a crossbow and was violently beating the rake. I thought it was best to leave her alone with that. I walked up to Aragorn and asked him why he was reshingling my roof.

"So you can cook triscuits on it" he said simply, then went back to work.

"But I don't-oh, nevermind." I walked over to Faramir, who now had most of the bottom half of the tree covered in mayonaise.

"Faramir, why are you putting mayo on the tree?"

"I'm painting," he said.

"Then why don't you use paint?"

"Because Santa Clause stole all our paint."

I then noticed Gandalf standing by a nearby tree with a can of paint.

"Faramir, that's just Gan-"

"Santa Clause always steals from me. He once stole.....MY IDENTITY."

"Ok, I'll just-"

"Let me tell you the story."

As I walked away, he started to tell me the story. I looked out the window a couple hours later to see that he was still telling it to the tree. I decided that one vacation wasn't enough. I need another.

Cows are evil.

2006-06-25T13:58:00.000-07:00

Cows are evil. Keep that in mind.

Pipe with Pip

2006-06-23T19:47:00.000-07:00

The other day Pippin and I decided to smoke our pipes. We were smoking for about an hour when I said,"Hey, let's go mess with people!"
"Ok," he said.
First cam Sam's house. Remembering the joke that was played on him in the winter we decided to fill his room with a bunch of snow. But then we realized it was the middle of June, so we poured melted snow in his house.
Next was Frodo's house.
"Hey!!!" said Pippin,"lets get a bunch of pepperoni slices and stick them to his windows so he can't see out of his house!!!"
So we bought a bunch of pepperoni and stuck it to his windows.
Next came Merry's house. We wrote "I wear short shorts" in his front lawn in gasoline and set it on fire. We didn't realize he was home, and he came out and yelled at us a little, but then joined us.
Next was Aragorn and Arwen's house. He he he. First, we filled up their mailbox with dry leaves, and set them on fire. Then we snuck in and exchanged all of Aragorn's underwear with thongs and put mice in Arwen's sock drawer. I think I might have passed out after that because the last thing I remember is this:

*shudders*

Next time I'll seek

2006-06-15T17:24:00.000-07:00

I've been hiding for a month. A MONTH. Ok, here's what happened: About a month ago, me and Aragorn started playing hide and go seek. It was his turn to seek. Before he started counting, I had the perfect hiding place picked out. So when he closed his eyes, I took the lampshad off the nearest lamp, put it on my head, and stood behind him about a foot away. He counted to 50, or maybe it was 100, then he said "Ready or not, here I come!" He kind of stood there for a moment looked behind him and looked straight at me three times, THREE TIMES, before he took a ham sandwich out of his pocket and ate it. Then he went outside to look for me, got distracted by something shiney, threw a shovel at a tree, ate another sandwich, and started to run away towards the shire singing The Llama Song. Well, that night, when Arwen came home, she thought I was a lamp, so she tried clicking me on by pulling my hair. After a moment, she realized it was me and kept pulling my hair.
"Psst, Arwen," I said,"stop it! You're going to give away my hiding place to Aragorn!"
At this, she started pulling even harder and more ruthlessly. Afer about 4 hours or so she got bord of it and stopped and went to bed. I, being a lamp, had to sleep standing up with a lampshade on my head. This went on for the next few days, until one day Pippin walked up to me and said:
"Hi, Legolas, are you almost done with my bacon?"
"Pippin, that was over a month ago"
He smiled and nodded. "So is that a yes or a no?"
"*sigh* I'll make you a deal, Pip. Go tell Aragorn I'm here and I'll make you a whole pound of bacon."
"A whole pound!?! I'll go get Aragorn right now!"
The next day, Pippin came back.
"Hi, legolas," he said,"are you almost done with my bacon?"
"Did you tell Aragorn where I am?"
he looked at me with a puzzled expression on his face. "So is that a yes or a no?"
Seeing as to how hopeless Pippin really was, I told him to go away.
The next day he came back and asked the same thing. And he did it every day after today, and Arwen pulled my hair for 4 hours each night. It sure would be nice if Aragorn came and found me now! (HINT HINT) Well, I'll be here in Aragorn and Arwen's room until then.

I have weird friends

2006-05-10T17:41:00.000-07:00

The other day was by far the most interesting day I've had for a while. Well, when i woke up, Faramir had a pink dress on, and he was dusting. He brought me breakfast in bed, which consisted of a milkshake, gum, and a bowl of tree bark (????). I went downstairs and was just about to eat a real breakfast when there was a knock at my door. When I opened it, Pippin was standing there.
"Hi, Pip, what's-"
"Chocolate," he said simply.
"What?"
"Chocolate."
"Pippin, I-"
"Chocolate"
"Ugh...Ok, hold on."
I went inside and got him a few chocolate bars. He seemed very happy, so he went and ate them on my roof. Then he glued the wrappers to the side of my house. Then Faramir came in and said,"Legolas, you got a letter from Aragorn." By now, he was wearing makeup and high heels. I just stared at him, but he just went around acting like it was normal. So I opened the letter from Aragorn. It was all the lyrics for the song 'It's a small world after all.' I guess he felt he had to send me that, because with it on a piece of paper he wrote,'I felt I needed to send you this.' I had just got done reading the letter when there was another knock at my door. When I opened it this time Pippin was standing there again.
"Bacon," he said.
"I'm not making you bacon, Pip."
"Please?"
It was then that I noticed that Sam was in my front yard digging a big hole.
"Sam, what are you doing?"
"I'm diggin' you a hole, Mr. Legolas, and might I say, it's one of my very best."
"Why do I need a hole?"
At this Sam became very quiet, and then started to dig again. All the sudden, Arwen came up from behind a tree and started hitting the ground with a rake. Then she looked at me and saw that I was looking at her. She just stared at me for a minute, then took off running. Then Merry ran up and jumped in Sam's hole, and refused to get out. For a while, Sam tried to get him out, then he gave up and got in the hole with him. Soon Frodo came and got in the hole too. Pip just stood there staring at me expectantly.
So I gave up, and went and locked myself in my room for the rest of the day. Pippin watched me from outside the entire time, while Faramir just ran around and cleaned the house. I never did eat anything else. I have some very interesting friends.

Slumber party at Aragorn's (sort of)

2006-04-16T09:22:00.000-07:00

Last night me and Pippin went over to Aragorn's house for a sleepover. I got there around 5:30 and Pip got there about 6:00. We ordered some of that Gondorian pizza and it was pretty good. Then we drank a lot of coffee and got really really hyper. We played tag, then we had swordfighting duels in the living room, and we broke a lot of expensive stuff. Then we had a really big pillow fight and Pippin kept stabbing the pillows with his sword. There were feathers everywhere.

Then Arwen came home.

As soon as the door opened, all we could hear was Arwen screaming in rage. "Aragorn!!! ARAGORN!!!!!!!! GET IN HERE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!"

Me and Pippin ran for our lives into Aragorns room. But before he could get away, Arwen came in the room and grabbed him by the ear. Peeking out from behind Aragorns door, Pip and I listened in on what they were saying. This is what I heard:

Arwen:"Look at this mess! LOOK AT IT!!!!! This is a discrase! Oh, and another thing, I told you NO FRIENDS ARE ALLOWED OVER UNTIL I COME HOME."

Aragorn: "But...."

Pippin (whispering): "Legolas, I'm hungy."

Me (whispering):"You just ate a whole pizza!"

Pip: "Well I ate one, yes. But what about a second pizza?"

Me: "Pip, you...." *gets cut off by Arwen talking to Aragorn*

Arwen: The three of you are to sit in your room quietly for the rest of the evening. If you bother me, your friends will go home. Oh, and if Legolas wants to live to see the light of day again, he will stay well out of my sights."

We rushed away from the door and pretended to be playing cards when Aragorn walked in. We all kind of looked at each other for a minute, then burst into laughter. "Hey," I said,"when Arwen goes to sleep later on we should light firecrackes outside her window so she wakes up." We all laughed. "Until then, who's up for a pint?" said Pip. We drank a bunch of pints and smoked our pipes untill the time had come. We snuck out the front door as Arwen slept and went around the house outside her window. Aragorn set the firecrackers on her windowsill an I lit them. They exploded very loudly.

BANG!BANGBANG!!!BANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANG!!!!!!BANG!

From within her room, we could hear Arwen scream,"AAAAUUUGGHHH!!!" We fell on the ground laughing. Then we heard,"I AM GOING TO KILL YOU ALL!!!!!" We started to run away, still chuckling, untill we got to my house, since Aragorn's was no longer safe. we hardly got any sleep, and we took turns watching to se if Arwen was coming. The next day, Pip went home, but Aragorn decided to stay with me for a while, at least a few months. That was the most fun I've had since that party.

They're taking the Hobbits to Isenguard!

2006-03-23T18:13:00.000-08:00

Hey, guys. The other day I got bored so me and some friends put together this music video. Here's hoping the link works:

http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2006/hobbits-isengard-p1.php

And a special thanks to Aragorn, Sam, Pippin, Merry, Frodo, Gimli, Celeborn, Smeagol, Gollum, and Galadriel for helping in the making of this video. Also, you will need to have your speakers on.

Orcs?

2006-03-02T16:31:00.000-08:00

The other day me and Faramir were walking through the woods. All the sudden, we heard all these footsteps and yelling coming towards us. We hid up in a tree from whoever it was. When they came by, we saw that it was a bunch of Orcs. I thought all the Orcs died! We came down from the tree and we both started shooting them. Then they turned around and started running towards us.

There were too many of them, so we started to run away. We ran for a while, until we realized there was no one following us anymore. It was very weird because I could have sworn they were following us just 5 minutes before that. We went back to the spot where we climbed the tree and we were shooting them all, but all of the dead Orc bodies were gone. This was very weird, since all the arrows we shot them with were just lying on the ground, with fresh Orc blood on them. That's the last time I go for a walk in those woods.

Team Blog

2006-02-17T16:07:00.000-08:00

I am starting a Lord of the Rings team blog. Any LOTR blogger wishing to join is welcome to, just leave your E-mail in a comment on this post and you will recieve an invite. We also need more LOTR blogs. There is a Gollum blog now,:

http://myprecious179.blogspot.com

but we need other characters such as: Gandalf, Eowyn, Faramir, Borimir, Eomer, Theoden, Saruman, Grima Wormtounge, Treebeard, Gimli, Elrond, ect. Oh, and Agen Kolar is welcome to join.

It happened again

2006-02-10T19:55:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it happened again. I woke up at about 3:30 in the morning the other day to Faramir's growling. Again he was trying to hide from me and again he looked angry when I saw him."Oh, god, what do you want now?" I asked."You stole my treasure map!" he said."Faramir, that wasn't a treasure map. That was just a connect the dots that made a crappy butterfly." I said."But now I found a real treasure map. Look!" He handed me a piece of paper:

"You woke me up at 3:30 in the morning just to show me another one of these stupid treasure maps you drew!?!""This is a real map though! I'm going to find the treasure! It will take 2 days to get there and back! Want to come?""No! I want to just sleep in all day!"Looking back, I see that I problably should have gone with him. He got lost, I think, because he has been gone for 17 days. I also noticed that he left his backpack in my apartment. It had the map, all his food, his clean clothes, and his night light. He will never get to sleep unless I tuck him in. I think that I will take the map and find that treasure myself. Whoever is the first to leave a comment on this post gets to come with me

The Party

2006-01-29T06:17:00.000-08:00

Some party last night, huh? There was lots of beer and fireworks. Well, Merry and Pippin got drunk and started dancing around on this table singing about the Green Dragon. Then Merry started stabbing the wall with his sword a bunch. Faramir came with Eowen, only she was dressed like a man (as usual) so we all made fun of Faramir for going out with a man. Well, Gimli, Aragorn, and I thought it would be a good idea to get one of those Gondor trebuchets and shoot it randomly down into the city. It was a good idea, until we accidently destroyed Arwen's private appartment. Me and Aragorn hid behind a building when she came out, and Gimli hid in the middle of the street. She picked him up by the beard and tossed him into a nearby wall. Frodo got drunk and put on one of my pink dresses and told us all to call him 'Mrs. Nezbit.' Borimir started shooting bottle rockets at random people on the street, and this one guy shot him 3 times and cut his horn of Gondor thingy in half. Gandalf got drunk and thought Mordor was attacking again and he took Pippin and started riding around yelling at soldiers. Sam brought Rosie and lots of extra brandy. I drank it all and got really really drunk. From what I can remember, the rest of the evening went something like this:

Some party, huh? Someone should start a Pippin blog

Party tonight

2006-01-28T07:40:00.000-08:00

Today is Saturday, January 28. The Party is tonight at 7 at my apartment in Minas Tirith. There will be lots of beer. Everyone is invited.

2006-01-15T20:09:00.000-08:00

The other day I woke up at 4 am to find Faramir standing at the foot of my bed and he was growling or something. He was trying to hide from me, and he was kind of mad when he saw me look straight at him when I woke up.

"Faramir, what are you doing?" I said.

"I thought we would have a toast," he said.

"To what?"

"I found a treasure map," he said.

"Can't this wait until later?"

"No"

"So what did you bring to toast with then?"

"I brought somehing special that I've been saving for years," he said. He pulled out this smelly tray of old McDonalds and threw it down on my bed. I almost threw up.

"That is completely disgusting. Just show me this map of yours."

He pulled out this piece of notebook paper with all this weird writing on it.

"It looks like you drew this yourself. And you didn't even write the whole thing. You just made a bunch of stupid dots."

"Well, I didn't want anyone else to get off with my treasure."

"There isn't treasure just because you say there is, Faramir. This map is hokey."

Faramir got so mad at this that he stormed out of the room, leaving the map and McDonalds with me. I ate the McDonalds and passed out for 7 hours. Then I started to decode Faramir's map. I'm almost done now and soon that treasure will be mine. What a sucker. Any suggestions of what I should spend it on?

I would try and think of a title for this, but I'm too lazy

2006-01-04T12:42:00.000-08:00

Well, I had a good christmas and new years. For Christmas I got a new hairbrush and Gimli got a mini horse so now he doesn't have to ride with me anymore. For new years I drank a bunch of non alcoholic beer and thought I was drunk. I ran around naked a bit (except for the gloves I was wearing) and the police started coming after me. I think it was because they fell madly in love with me.

Anyway the grass on the Pelannor fields in front of Minas Tirith got long the other day, and Gandalf told me to go cut it. I didn't feel like it, so I made Gimli do it. I guess it was too much for him because I think he had a heart attack or something. I wonder what they did with all the bodies from that big battle thingy there. Like how did they move the bid dead elephant things? Oh, and Aragorn, if you get this, why is Minas Tirith called the white city? Is it racist or something? I still haven't found out how they get those little ships in the glass bottles.

I'm making a list

2005-12-21T16:45:00.000-08:00

Since Aragorn published his Christmas list, I decided to put mine on here too:

Aragorn-an Aragorn action figure (anything else you want?)
Gandalf-a new doorknob (his old one broke)
Pippin-a Spiderman mask
Merry-a Rohan soldier's helmet that actually fits his head
Frodo-a membership cupon to the one ring anonymous (it will help you with your problem)
Sam-some herbs and stewed rabbit
Gimli-some multi-colored post-it notes
Smeagol/Gollum-a $10 gift card to Jiffy Lube
Borimir-a new boat (his old one went down a waterfall)
Farimir-Barbie as repunzel play set (Minas Tirith edition)
Eowen-a new leather jacket
Arwen-a 983 pack of beer
Denethor-pamphlets on fire safety
Theoden-Everybody poops:the video
Eomer-Mighty Morphin Power Rangers seasons 1 and 2.

Am I forgetting anybody?

2005-12-20T17:31:00.000-08:00

Q: How many Uruk Hai does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 10,000. One to screw it in, and 9,999 to attack helms deep.

I was walking through Edoras the other day when I heard king Theoden yelling: "Arise! Arise riders of Theoden! A sore day! A red day! As the sun rises! Ride now! Ride now! Ride-"
"Hey Theo, what the hell!?!"
"I just can't wait," he said.
"Look, I know you're excited to get that postcard you sent yourself, but the mail doesn't get here until later."
"You just don't truly beleive," he said, then he skipped away singing 'It's a small world after all.'

Before I could say anything, Gandalf walked up to me and told me his new plan:
"Yo, Legolas here's what we can do. We steal everybody's shoes when their asleep, then sell 'em on e-bay. Then we buy a bunch of legos and build a giant fort! I love having forts!"
"That is the worst idea I ever heard. Besides, we were just at helms deep. Why can't that just be your damn fort?"
"Oh, you're mean. I'm telling Shadowfax on you."

Gandalf ran off in one of his little moods. I heard some heavy breathing and I turned around and I saw Pippin standing there staring at me blankly.
"Uh, hey," I said. "Um, do you want something?"
"No," he said, and continued staring at me.
"Uh, okay...hey, why don't you-"
"I have cave crickets in my basement."
"Huh. I didn't know you had a basem-"
"Look! I'm Spiderman!" he said, and threw himself into a nearby building, in an attempt to climb it. He fell on the ground. At first I thought he was just unconsious, but he's been there for three days. I don't know if he's dead or what, but he's starting to decompose. Oh, well maybe he really is Spiderman.

The king won't be returning for a while

2005-12-09T21:36:00.000-08:00

The other day I was practicing archery as usual. I decided to shoot really high up in the air. So I did. But when the arrow came down it hit Gandalf's horse, Shadowfax, and killed it. Gandalf said "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" I dropped the bow and arrows and went and hid. Just then, Aragorn came up and picked up the bow and arrows. Gadalf walked up and saw him with them. I hid behind a building as I heard a huge explosion. I looked at where Aragorn was, and now all that remained was his burnt up corpse. I wonder how they get those little model ships in those weird bottles.

Ithilien

2005-12-04T09:13:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I was in Ithilien when this huge elephant thing comes out of nowhere. I ran up this hill and saw Frodo and Sam and Smeagol. They didn't see me though. I snuck away because I had just remembered that I was supposed to be battling Isengaurd. I had ditched Gimli and Aragorn a couple of days ago, and I didn't want to be seen. I was running through the forest and I ran into Pippin.
Me: "What are you doing here, Pippin?"
Pippin: "I ditched Merry and that tree guy and I was making bacon."
Me: "That sounds good. I haven't eaten bacon in over twenty minutes."
So we sat on this hill and ate bacon. We saw a bunch of guys dressed all funny and some more elephant things walking by. Then they got attacked by all these archers in these weird hoods. This seems somewhat familiar...

Bye Bye, Borimir

2005-11-26T20:58:00.000-08:00

Man. Borimir died a couple days ago and it really sucks. Now I only have Aragorn and Gimli to talk to and they're weird. Aragorn is always off in his freakishly retarted little LA LA unicorn land all the time, and Gimli just won't stop bitching about how tired and hungry he is. I'm worried about Aragorn, though. I think he's on drugs.

Legolas

2005-11-25T22:54:00.000-08:00

Helms deep

2005-11-25T22:28:00.000-08:00

At the battle of helms deep, Gimli kept asking me how many orcs I killed. I think he just wanted to hear the sweet sound of my voice. It got kinda annoying after a while, though. Oh, well. I guess it just means someone (Gimli) finds me attractive.