Legolas, prince of Mirkwood

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

I'm making a list

Since Aragorn published his Christmas list, I decided to put mine on here too:

Aragorn-an Aragorn action figure (anything else you want?)
Gandalf-a new doorknob (his old one broke)
Pippin-a Spiderman mask
Merry-a Rohan soldier's helmet that actually fits his head
Frodo-a membership cupon to the one ring anonymous (it will help you with your problem)
Sam-some herbs and stewed rabbit
Gimli-some multi-colored post-it notes
Smeagol/Gollum-a $10 gift card to Jiffy Lube
Borimir-a new boat (his old one went down a waterfall)
Farimir-Barbie as repunzel play set (Minas Tirith edition)
Eowen-a new leather jacket
Arwen-a 983 pack of beer
Denethor-pamphlets on fire safety
Theoden-Everybody poops:the video
Eomer-Mighty Morphin Power Rangers seasons 1 and 2.

Am I forgetting anybody?

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Q: How many Uruk Hai does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 10,000. One to screw it in, and 9,999 to attack helms deep.

I was walking through Edoras the other day when I heard king Theoden yelling: "Arise! Arise riders of Theoden! A sore day! A red day! As the sun rises! Ride now! Ride now! Ride-"
"Hey Theo, what the hell!?!"
"I just can't wait," he said.
"Look, I know you're excited to get that postcard you sent yourself, but the mail doesn't get here until later."
"You just don't truly beleive," he said, then he skipped away singing 'It's a small world after all.'

Before I could say anything, Gandalf walked up to me and told me his new plan:
"Yo, Legolas here's what we can do. We steal everybody's shoes when their asleep, then sell 'em on e-bay. Then we buy a bunch of legos and build a giant fort! I love having forts!"
"That is the worst idea I ever heard. Besides, we were just at helms deep. Why can't that just be your damn fort?"
"Oh, you're mean. I'm telling Shadowfax on you."

Gandalf ran off in one of his little moods. I heard some heavy breathing and I turned around and I saw Pippin standing there staring at me blankly.
"Uh, hey," I said. "Um, do you want something?"
"No," he said, and continued staring at me.
"Uh, okay...hey, why don't you-"
"I have cave crickets in my basement."
"Huh. I didn't know you had a basem-"
"Look! I'm Spiderman!" he said, and threw himself into a nearby building, in an attempt to climb it. He fell on the ground. At first I thought he was just unconsious, but he's been there for three days. I don't know if he's dead or what, but he's starting to decompose. Oh, well maybe he really is Spiderman.

Friday, December 09, 2005

The king won't be returning for a while

The other day I was practicing archery as usual. I decided to shoot really high up in the air. So I did. But when the arrow came down it hit Gandalf's horse, Shadowfax, and killed it. Gandalf said "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" I dropped the bow and arrows and went and hid. Just then, Aragorn came up and picked up the bow and arrows. Gadalf walked up and saw him with them. I hid behind a building as I heard a huge explosion. I looked at where Aragorn was, and now all that remained was his burnt up corpse. I wonder how they get those little model ships in those weird bottles.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Ithilien

Yesterday I was in Ithilien when this huge elephant thing comes out of nowhere. I ran up this hill and saw Frodo and Sam and Smeagol. They didn't see me though. I snuck away because I had just remembered that I was supposed to be battling Isengaurd. I had ditched Gimli and Aragorn a couple of days ago, and I didn't want to be seen. I was running through the forest and I ran into Pippin.
Me: "What are you doing here, Pippin?"
Pippin: "I ditched Merry and that tree guy and I was making bacon."
Me: "That sounds good. I haven't eaten bacon in over twenty minutes."
So we sat on this hill and ate bacon. We saw a bunch of guys dressed all funny and some more elephant things walking by. Then they got attacked by all these archers in these weird hoods. This seems somewhat familiar...