Legolas, prince of Mirkwood

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Attack of the Cows: Part Two

We join our hero, Pippin, in Minas Tirith, which has been wheeled into a giant warehouse.

Suddenly, over a loudspeaker, the cow king speaks to the surviving defenders of Gondor:

"Attention K-mart shoppers, frisbees are on sale in the sporting goods section for only $1.99. Now kill the remaining humans in this pitiful city."

The Cows began rushing upward to finish off our hero and his companions. Like Boromir.

Yes, Boromir. And Robin Williams.
Then, just as death for Pippin and Boromir and Robin and that butterfly was imminent, a miracle came down from the heavens, and a voice said from above: "Gold leader standing by. Lock s-foils in attack position."
Rebel X-wings clashed with the cow minions as they emerged in an epic battle. The cows were no match for these rebel starfighters. But then, just as the tide of the battle was turning, the cow king, the most powerful and evil of all cows, came out to reinforce his soldiers.
From his massive hooves he shot flaming projectiles that were quite capable of destroying an X-wing.

The battle was going ill for our heros when the ground started to shake. A hole formed in the ground right out side of Minas Tirith. Out from the hole came a massive horde of....


Saturday, August 19, 2006


Otters aren't just awesome, they're ottsome.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Attack of the cows

The cows are attacking!!! The cows are attacking!!! They've been breeding an army-
-and now they're attacking Minas Tirith!
Yes, Gandalf run!!! Even you are no match for these hell bovines!!! And then, a, uh...oh I know! Next an epic battle begins when the brave soldiers of Gondor rush to defend their home!

(those aren't orcs-they're really cows) As the battle progresses, Gondor's feeble army is forced to retreat to the higher levels of the city. Now in control of the lower city, the cows start to put Minas Tirith on a big giant cart and wheeling it to....a giant warehouse!!!!

And it is there waiting for them that lurks....wait, there..waiting...does that sentence make any sense? Speaking of which, does any of this? Anyway in the warehouse is....the evil cow king!!!!!!!! Willour hero make it out...wait, I never established a main character, did I? Well, it was, uh, Pippin. Will he make it out alive? Find out next week! Or whenever I feel like making the next post.


Thursday, July 20, 2006

Wow, has it really been almost a month? Well, I got home yesterday from my much needed vacation in Rivendell. Staying with the Elves is nice, but they all talk weird and kind of have that old people smell-oh wait, I'm an Elf! uh, nevermind. But anyway, when I returned home I found that my yard was full of large holes, Sam digging at one of them, and Pippin watching him. Arwen was killing my rake, and Aragorn was reshingling my roof. Faramir was spreading Mayonaise on a tree with a paintbrush. I walked up to Sam and Pip.

"Sam, why are you digging all these holes?" I said.

"So I can plant the seeds to grow by the winter harvest."

"What are you planting, exactly?"


"Dinosaurs? Ok, I won't even ask. And why are you going to harvest them in winter?" I asked.

"Winter is such lovely bowling season," he said.

"Wha-um, why havn't you planted any yet?"

"Because they don't grow in the ground they grow in trees."

"Then why do you need to dig the-"

"Sam!!!" said Pippin suddenly. "If you leave all these holes here a turtle might fall in one and get stuck!!! Then the turtles will get angry at me and stop supplying me with gems!!!"

I was utterly confused. "Pippin," said Sam,"The turtles won't fall in these holes because the holes are too big and the turtles will disapprove of them!!!"

At this, I gave up and walked away as they started arguing. Arwen had by this point acquired a crossbow and was violently beating the rake. I thought it was best to leave her alone with that. I walked up to Aragorn and asked him why he was reshingling my roof.

"So you can cook triscuits on it" he said simply, then went back to work.

"But I don't-oh, nevermind." I walked over to Faramir, who now had most of the bottom half of the tree covered in mayonaise.

"Faramir, why are you putting mayo on the tree?"

"I'm painting," he said.

"Then why don't you use paint?"

"Because Santa Clause stole all our paint."

I then noticed Gandalf standing by a nearby tree with a can of paint.

"Faramir, that's just Gan-"

"Santa Clause always steals from me. He once stole.....MY IDENTITY."

"Ok, I'll just-"

"Let me tell you the story."

As I walked away, he started to tell me the story. I looked out the window a couple hours later to see that he was still telling it to the tree. I decided that one vacation wasn't enough. I need another.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Cows are evil.

Cows are evil. Keep that in mind.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Pipe with Pip

The other day Pippin and I decided to smoke our pipes. We were smoking for about an hour when I said,"Hey, let's go mess with people!"
"Ok," he said.
First cam Sam's house. Remembering the joke that was played on him in the winter we decided to fill his room with a bunch of snow. But then we realized it was the middle of June, so we poured melted snow in his house.
Next was Frodo's house.
"Hey!!!" said Pippin,"lets get a bunch of pepperoni slices and stick them to his windows so he can't see out of his house!!!"
So we bought a bunch of pepperoni and stuck it to his windows.
Next came Merry's house. We wrote "I wear short shorts" in his front lawn in gasoline and set it on fire. We didn't realize he was home, and he came out and yelled at us a little, but then joined us.
Next was Aragorn and Arwen's house. He he he. First, we filled up their mailbox with dry leaves, and set them on fire. Then we snuck in and exchanged all of Aragorn's underwear with thongs and put mice in Arwen's sock drawer. I think I might have passed out after that because the last thing I remember is this:


Thursday, June 15, 2006

Next time I'll seek

I've been hiding for a month. A MONTH. Ok, here's what happened: About a month ago, me and Aragorn started playing hide and go seek. It was his turn to seek. Before he started counting, I had the perfect hiding place picked out. So when he closed his eyes, I took the lampshad off the nearest lamp, put it on my head, and stood behind him about a foot away. He counted to 50, or maybe it was 100, then he said "Ready or not, here I come!" He kind of stood there for a moment looked behind him and looked straight at me three times, THREE TIMES, before he took a ham sandwich out of his pocket and ate it. Then he went outside to look for me, got distracted by something shiney, threw a shovel at a tree, ate another sandwich, and started to run away towards the shire singing The Llama Song. Well, that night, when Arwen came home, she thought I was a lamp, so she tried clicking me on by pulling my hair. After a moment, she realized it was me and kept pulling my hair.
"Psst, Arwen," I said,"stop it! You're going to give away my hiding place to Aragorn!"
At this, she started pulling even harder and more ruthlessly. Afer about 4 hours or so she got bord of it and stopped and went to bed. I, being a lamp, had to sleep standing up with a lampshade on my head. This went on for the next few days, until one day Pippin walked up to me and said:
"Hi, Legolas, are you almost done with my bacon?"
"Pippin, that was over a month ago"
He smiled and nodded. "So is that a yes or a no?"
"*sigh* I'll make you a deal, Pip. Go tell Aragorn I'm here and I'll make you a whole pound of bacon."
"A whole pound!?! I'll go get Aragorn right now!"
The next day, Pippin came back.
"Hi, legolas," he said,"are you almost done with my bacon?"
"Did you tell Aragorn where I am?"
he looked at me with a puzzled expression on his face. "So is that a yes or a no?"
Seeing as to how hopeless Pippin really was, I told him to go away.
The next day he came back and asked the same thing. And he did it every day after today, and Arwen pulled my hair for 4 hours each night. It sure would be nice if Aragorn came and found me now! (HINT HINT) Well, I'll be here in Aragorn and Arwen's room until then.